just one of those days.....

Have you ever felt like God forgot about you? Like really forgot the fact that you exist, you're breathing, and can feel pain? I have. I’ve had days where I feel breathing is just second nature. Days when I’ve felt he’s letting me breathe as a favor, a reminder that he controls everything—even this cycle of disappointment I can’t seem to escape from. Some may say it’s a test, I personally feel it’s a means of control. Control from a being that says you have free will, but you really don’t. Free will is about as real as democracy.

They are illusions, false hopes that are meant to keep you running in circles, but the minute you step outside of the lines, your life gets turned upside down. I want to believe in God. I want to believe he has my best interest at heart, but nothing about my life makes me believe this. Nothing about my life makes me believe God is nothing more than a puppeteer pulling the strings of happiness and pain when he feels like it. For as long as I can remember, "life has storms" has been drilled into me.

I've been taught God tests you here, there, and everywhere, but where does it really get you? What exactly do these tests teach you other than there’s a prize at the end of the rainbow if you do everything this invisible being you can’t see, can’t hear, can’t touch tells you to do. As soon as you get one blessing, you have to do more dancing on the strings to get another one.

I’ve been taught to pray, pray, pray and pray some more. Pray when you need help. Pray when you don’t need help. Pray when things are good. Pray when things are bad… pray, pray, pray, pray!! I am tired of praying. I’m tired of doing all this jumping through hoops only to get nothing in return. I spent years praying, worshipping, thanking something that dangles blessings in my face like it’s a dog treat.

If I’m good I get the treat, if not then I suffer until I submit to get the treat. How is this any different from slavery? How is submitting to God any different than slaves submitting to their masters. How is God inflicting pain on you to get you to do what he wants you to do any different from a slave being punished when they rebel against their owner?

Where does obeying God really get you?

Are the good things that happen to you because of this invisible being you can’t see or because you worked hard to get it? Is religion really a tool of control or does it really benefit you? God is love, but does someone who loves you really cause ruckus in your life? If your partner, friend or family member constantly does something to you that hurts or disappoints, wouldn’t you say they are toxic? If a tangible, human being that you can reach out and touch inflicts pain onto you, or does something that hinders you from moving forward, wouldn’t you cut them off?

Why is it when God does these very things, we continue to worship him versus cut him off? How is okay to labels his pain as lessons, tests, and storms, but everyone else’s are considered toxic, betrayal, or hating on you?

We condone the way God makes us chase blessings (material things), yet we rebuke living, breathing people when they do the same. I’ve always wondered these things and have never received an answer that makes sense. We shame people for worshipping or idolizing a living, breathing person we can see, hear and possibly meet, yet we pray, worship, give money, and believe in something, a being we can’t touch, see, or even feel.

Why is this okay? Because if I’m being honest, I can’t say it is with me anymore.