Like most people, I ended the year with a few goals I wanted to accomplish the upcoming year. A short checklist of things I decided to focus on—intentional goals. With the new start I had embarked on four months ago, intentional had somehow become my new mantra. These past few years I had been doing things, purposefully and actively participating in actions that aligned with my dreams and purpose, but not fully engulfing myself in them. A few weeks ago, when I encountered a humbling experience, I paused to ask myself... Shadress how does this align with your dreams? Why are you doing this?
These types of questions had been plaguing me lately, because whether I wanted to admit or not, they needed to be asked. Following your dreams can be hard. Failure greets you like an old friend more times than you can count. But, it’s needed. Like success, failure is a tool used to shape us in ways most could never imagine until they become intentional in pursuing something they want.
This is where I was when I left for Houston. My second time leaving St. Louis, but this time with a clear understanding of what I was in pursuit of. Bright-eyed and full of hope. And then reality set in, things didn’t pan out how I wanted them, and I realized this dream of mine wasn’t going to come as easy as I thought. So what did I do? I continued to manifest the things I wanted because I believed in my dreams. This past year has been a year of uncomfortable growth and manifesting. To be honest, I’d been doing it for years and never really labeled it. It wasn’t until my friend pointed out how everything I say I want comes true—that I realized I had always been divinely connected to the universe. However, even with manifesting, I came to the realization I was missing something.
Yes, I was speaking my dreams aloud. I was even writing them down as a reminder to speak them daily, so that I could continue creating an atmosphere of receiving and harvest. But, in my haste to see my dreams come true—there was one thing I was missing.
For months, I had been writing, speaking, even thinking positive thoughts, but I failed to cover myself with one important factor in manifestation… the spirit of expectation. Yes, I spoke those things in which I desired. Wrote them down. Submitted countless resumes. Even burned them so the energy placed on the paper could return to the earth, but I failed to expect them.
And what good are dreams if you don’t expect them to happen?
This humbling truth knocked the wind out of me. I had been approaching this manifestation process all wrong. It wasn’t enough to simply speak those things, I had to fully expect them to happen. And, I hadn’t. Most of that disbelief has been attached to this struggle of faith I am dealing with. My feeling of am I deserving of everything I want… desire. That battle alone had crippled me more than I realized. Still, it wasn’t until recently I had to ask myself why I hadn’t had anything go my way. The realization came by way of my finances. Being self-employed, in a new city, during a pandemic is not easy, nor ideal. Budgeting is imperative, but that’s not what I had been doing. Sure, I’d told myself I was managing my money, but the truth was I was gripping it. Holding onto it so tight out of fear more wouldn’t come, and it didn’t.
Like literally, if you’ve ever been unemployed, self-employed, or just low on funds—you know the importance of money. Probably even discover how good your money management skills actually are. But, my problem extended beyond that. I was holding on so tight that I had somehow smothered my spirit of expectancy. I was so focused on the little, I couldn’t see the abundance, could create an environment for overflow. Now, in no way did this mean to be irresponsible, but I counted on my little too much. Depended on it. Failed to spend it because I wasn’t sure where the next dollar was going to come from.
And this is where my reality check came in at. I remembered a long time ago my grandmother telling me, “A closed hand isn’t open to give nor is it open to receive.”
My hand had been closed so tight—holding onto the little that I had, I failed to open it to receive more. How can the universe send me abundance when I wasn’t ready to receive it? This epiphany slammed into me hard. It was eye-opening because it revealed the essential tool I needed to propel myself forward.
And now I’m here.
Believing with my whole heart, full of expectancy and optimism. Saturated in the idea that my less is short-term—and money is meant to be spent—because more will in fact come. Despite how little or excess of it I may have. Now, although it may seem like I’ve wasted all this time, I am grateful. Thankful I can start this new year with the understanding that no matter how hard I dream, how often I speak something into existence, if I don’t believe it—if I don’t expect it to come into fruition, my speaking and dreaming is frivolous.
If you are like me, this is where you hit the reset button. This impasse you have come to is where you change the navigation settings of your dream’s compass—open your palm—and begin to expect everything you want and deserve.
Love + Light